{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the well wishes and support. I am home now - I was able to get released late this afternoon.

I was correct, my T abandoned me again. It sent me into hysterics and then my primary doc called me to see how I was, and without thinking, said "wish I hadn't gotten out of my car". Course that was not the right thing to say at the time, but I said it wasn't the first time my T had screwed me over and I'd get over it. He told me to let him know if he could help.

I met with the board and because I had been "good" they were of the opinion that I could leave. They had been checking my arms daily from the cig burns to see if they had been healing, which I have allowed to happen. Plus I stayed in my room alot alone - safer that way than allowing others to tolerate my non-medicated self.

I was allowed at first to be elevated to RA status - Responsible Adult - meaning I could go outside with one for 15 mins. at a time.........which meant my husband. Today in the morning, since they had decided to discharge me, I was granted "full" priviledges (sp) and allowed to go out alone or anywhere within the hospital.

My psychiatrist showed up around 4:15pm and we talked. He has set up a new T for me - I asked him to warn the new one that I'm not exactly friendly these days.

He wrote me out a release for work, told me that I had stopped breathing in my former T's office area, that I had had a breathing tube down my throat and had been in ICU in critical condition all Tues. night.

I remember much of nothing till Thursday. We left the hospital, went to my job to get my paycheck stub only to find that my money hadn't made it into the bank (direct deposit) and that I had also been shorted about 25 hours worth of pay (overtime on top of it).

Then I'm told that I will only be scheduled 40 hours per week instead of 60 because I'm not reliable - the GM had to work a 14 hour day (gee, what a shame......I've done it a million times). I start freaking out.......no money, no hours, only one week of pay next time around.......I'm screwed.

Then we get to the pharmacy to get my new meds. My skin is crawling, my nerves are shot, and I find out that they are having problems with the prescription. All the way home I keep wondering why I survived, why I am fine with no left over effects.

I could think that G*d has some purpose for me - wish I knew what it was honestly, other than for Alex. Then my mom screams at me how I could do this to her, how I could hurt her........it's like, excuse me, but this wasn't about you, it was about hurting myself.

I know that my actions hurt others........that is a fact although it was not intentional. It was intentional to harm myself and I'd be a fool not to realize how simple it was for me to do - it scares me down to my toes.

I have to find a second job now. I came home to a mess of course. I spent my time doing laundry, helping Alex with his homework, cleaning up the house, vaccuuming, and putting away/sorting through a pile of bills on the counter from the past week.

I work tomorrow, have to call corporate and see about my money, and be cheery even though my meds will not have kicked in yet. The urges are so strong, even now - it's horrible. I had my h get rid of all my meds in the cabinet, but he missed some.............I can't seem to throw those away yet. And this is only day one.

I need strength from somewhere. It's not within myself, that's for sure. I've been manic all night running thru the house like a whirlwind. I wish for peace within myself, and answers as to why I have escaped dying 3 times.

Forgive me if I've been graphic or too explicit. I'm thinking outloud and very, very stressed. I want to be selfish and stop thinking about people telling me how I've hurt them..........[sigh]