I was going to post this in “Dear T: I Need to Tell You Something” but then I decided that I want responses. This is what I want to say to my T—but my question is what SHOULD I say to my T? Should I tell her that I don’t want to e-mail anymore? Should I tell her that she’s hurt my feelings around the lack of responses and forgetting the picture? Or should I just give her a break because she’s been busy and she’s usually more consistent. I don’t’ really want to have a rupture a few weeks before our 5 year “anniversary.” She’s done a lot for me over the years, and I don’t want to appear ungrateful. There’s just something about the anniversary—and the perceived change in her consistency—that is triggering me right now. I even kind of brought up that I was feeling some distance from her last session, but she brushed it off and said she didn’t feel that way. So, any advice?

T,
I feel a bit of distance between us right now. I feel like you aren’t as consistent or plugged in as you usually are. Rationally, I know that you just got back from vacation and you’re busy. But it still feels personal. You always used to write back when I e-mailed you. I don’t email often and your replies are brief—but they let me know that you read it and things are still “okay.” The fact that you haven’t written back the last few times hurts my feelings. It feels like you’re sending me the message that I should stop emailing—even though you say you like receiving them. You also forgot twice in a row to bring in the picture you told me about. It feels like now that I’m an “old” client you aren’t as tuned in to me anymore. You’re more lax. Like, it’s okay to be less consistent now because you know me better. That hurts. It’s triggering my fear of rejection and abandonment. As you know, I have a history of every “adult” in my life leaving. Next month is our 5 year “therapy-a-versary.” I know that you aren’t leaving any time soon—but I still have the same fear. I think, unconsciously, I’m looking for any sign that you might leave or that you don’t care anymore. While you were on vacation, I wrote you a “therapy-a-versary” letter and started hand-making a decorative envelope to put it in. I was fine while you were gone because I knew you needed the vacation and I was busy. But, when I had my first session back with you on Tuesday, the first thing that happened was you forgot the picture. Then, we talked about something that was difficult for me, and it felt like you just weren’t totally plugged in. Your body language also seemed far away. I left therapy and ended up writing you a short e-mail that afternoon to tell you some things that had come up for me afterwards. You didn’t respond. Now, looking at the “therapy-a-versary” card on my desk—things just don’t feel right. I don’t feel like doing something nice for you right now. I feel like I want to pull away from you. What I need is to know that you aren’t every other person in my life who has slowly withdrawn, and then left. Because, right now, it feels like you’re withdrawing. My reaction when people withdraw is often to cling tighter out of fear—and that usually just pushes them away faster. So, I’m tempted to do the opposite right now. To let you withdraw, and to withdraw myself. I feel like telling you that I don’t want to e-mail anymore. What I really want is for you to do what you said you would always do—which is write me back a brief response just acknowledging what I’ve said and affirming that we’ll talk about it next session. But if I can’t count on you to do that, then I’d rather have no e-mail contact at all. I don’t like feeling rejected, which is how I feel when you don’t respond. The issue we talked about last session involved touch, and you said that you actually enjoy coming to sit next to me on the couch or putting a hand on my knee. But I don’t really feel that from you. In fact, right now, I’m feeling like I don’t want to hug you at the end of session next week. I don’t really want to be physically near you at all. I know that I’m experiencing a hurt reaction right now—and I’ll probably feel differently later. But this is just where I’m at tonight.