I don't intend to give T the letter-- it's something that I wrote just for myself. Whenever I want to talk to T about our relationship, I do it face to face (and politely). I'm just using this thread to think through what I'll say.

I don't view my desire to stop e-mailing as a "threat." I don't think she cares whether or I e-mail or not. I just think it may be healthier for ME if I make the decision to stop. I don't do it often, anyway. I just e-mail on occassion so that I can get something out, and feel "heard." But if I can't rely on her to acknowledge the e-mail, then it doesn't serve the purpose of making me feel heard. Instead, it creates a new worry on my part. That isn't good for me. That's why I think it may be better for me to stop. I'm not in control of whether she responds; I'm only in control of my own actions. So that's why I'm proposing a change in my own behavior. I'm not going to ask her to do anything differently or accuse her of anything. I'm just going to let her know that my feelings were a bit hurt, and I think it is better for me if I no longer e-mail her.

Stopdog, to answer your question about why specifically I felt hurt by the e-mail-- it was because the e-mail was about our relationship. We had talked about our relationship for part of the session, and I left feeling unsatisfied. So, after session, I tried to explore what I could do differently, or how I could re-frame things to feel better. So, I wrote up a short e-mail offering some insights about myself, and why I might be feeling the way I do, and thanking her for being the kind of T that I could talk to openly about this stuff. During the session she also told me that her daughter has become interested in the subject that I teach/research and is reading about a topic that I wrote my dissertation on-- so I also added a "PS, your daughter might like X book." It's really hard for me when her attention, during my session, is on the vacation she just took with her children. But I really tried to allow for there to be room for both, and to appreciate her attempt to make a connection by telling me that her daughter enjoys my subject. So I tried to respond from a place of generosity (offering a book suggestion), and I didn't let myself really go to the place of being hurt. I actually felt good after writing the e-mail. But after 2 days, I started to feel hurt by the lack of response. In fact, I told her a month or two ago that I was hurt when she didn't respond that time, and she said that now that she knew that, she would respond next time. But this was "next time" and she didn't respond. So I'm hurt that she didn't respond after she assured me that she would-- and I'm hurt that she didn't respond to an e-mail which specifically addressed our relationship.

To answer your other question, Stopdog, T started to become inconsistent before the break, so it isn't something that just occurred afterwards. I don't feel that it's the break that is causing me to feel this way, although I do think it contributed to her inconsistency because she was away from work and now has to play catch-up. I do think her mind has been on preparing for her trip, going on her trip, and then catching up with work after returning home-- so I do think she's been distracted by things that are separate from me. However, I don't think anything "big" is going on in her life right now. She's pretty open with me and she's told me when "big" things have happened (she got divorced 2 years ago, there was a time when her daughter was sick, etc). She seemed really happy last session when she talked about her trip, so I think that's where her mind was. It just wasn't on me. I don't blame her for that, I'm just acknowledging that my feelings were hurt. (I feel no need to share this part with her though).