I am bipolar II, so for a lot of this, there is no "through." There isn't any insight hidden in it. I got burned elsewhere for posting too much detail so I won't... and that's kind of unfair if asking for help. But I am caught in a very, very bad life pattern. If I cannot break that pattern then I won't survive another year, I can't, no one could. The human brain, mind and spirit cannot endure pain of that level for that long.

So, I am in a bipolar depression (vs situational) but it is aggrivated severely by situational factors.

The pattern has no escape. If I break it at the point at which I want to break it then I get my life back, but I will be circling that pattern for the rest of my life, with strong chances of repeating it. My T, along with others, seem to think that step isn't breaking it at all but just diving into the pattern deeper. If I break the pattern at the point at which everyone seems to think would be best, meaning it would be broken... then I lose everything I want in life. I lose all hope of getting my life back... the one which held hopes and dreams.

The life which breaks the pattern doesn't hold any hopes or dreams. That's not just depression. My life circumstances would change so much that everything I ever worked for, hoped for...everything...it would all be gone. Due to the reality of my own abilities and physical problems, I can't build much of a life for myself and so I am almost certainly going to be poor for the rest of my days. I face increasing medical disability with no resources.

So breaking the pattern doesn't look that enticing. In fact, the pattern has hit a high point which is very alluring. I have made a small life for myself, in moderate poverty in a bad neighbourhood and a min wage job that physically cripples me. The lure is from the other side of the pattern.. moderate wealth, going back to working on my art career, physical help to ease my disability.... and the other big thing that i don't have now - love. I could be loved again. I am starved for love.

The down side is that the pattern is a pattern. That means at some point all the bad things that have happened will happen again. I will suffer greatly (I can't explain, but please believe me that it is utter emotional and mental agony). I would also be more deeply entrenched. Right now I am emotionally and mentally stuck there, but physically I am removed, and I have that small life that is safe, even if it is pathetic.

And no, life did not look better after a year. In fact, in many ways it's worse. And even moreso compared to the year before that. My life has been chaos and pain for several years. So much so that I know little else anymore.

I'm not quite sure what my T or any T can do to help. Unless they are willing to financially help me and be there physically when my physical pain is so bad I can't walk. Unless they are willing to love me. I mean, they can teach me to not care so much about being unloved. They can teach me to be ok with depserate poverty. They can teach me to learn to blame everyone else and take on no blame myself. They can teach me to OK with me as me in my really crappy existence.

Any wonder I research suicide methods? The meds make me able to function...which means being able to get dressed and feed my dogs each day, along with trudge off to my crappy job. The crappy job has to end soon as I am in growing physical pain. Then the meds will be my way of numbing myself to the world or drugging myself into sleep and pass my days that way.

Thanks for responding