Saw T and had interesting conversation. He asked if Im on a plateau from mania last week. I am mourning the end of it. It felt SO good compared to this other crap Ive had going on.

He says he wonders if I don't have enough fun in my life. If I don't have enough friends to support me. He asked if I want someone special in my life sometime.

I have friends but they all have families and those that don't have very busy social lives that rarely involve me. I don't hold any of it against them. Its just how it is. Its been this way for a very long time. I see one family of friends more often than all my others but still its maybe once a week at church, rarely more. I don't have very many friends my age. I always feel inferior around people close to my age-I always have. So I do things with some friends every once in a while...and I see family often..I go to church some and every once in a while I might do something with someone from church. Most of the time...I stay in my room. Im not always depressed. I am just used to being alone.

As for someone special...of course Id like that. But, I really just don't know how. I don't know how to go about meeting someone. I don't go to bars or clubs-its not my thing. I live in the country so its not likely to just run into someone where I live. I have made impulsive mistakes online before so I don't think online dating is a good idea for me.

I don't really know why Im even putting this out here. All of that has bothered me for a very long time...no one has ever asked me about it. Its a sensitive subject.

I always feel alone. I pretty much always have. It kind of goes back to my childhood abuse (coupled with the extreme isolation we had).

Im sure some would say just to get out and meet people but its not that easy to me. I shut down in most social situations. I cry and panic.

And I don't always know why.