Sorry you are struggling! I know how hard this therapy process can get. I do have a lot of similarities to your situation...strong transference with T., T. offering unlimited, nurturing support, mother fantasies, alienating relationships, childhood adversity, crazy family, feeling worse and doing worse, etc. My T. had countertransference with me, so that really intensified my feelings for her.

I always thought I'd be devastated if the transference and countertransference ever died. Recently, the t/ct dwindled away. What I am now left with is a real, strong bond with my T. I very much care for her, and I know she very much cares for me. It is far more gratifying than the t/ct feelings. This bond is solid, and it has put so many things into perspective, finally. I know now that everything in regards to my relationship with T (and other things) is going to be ok.

I tell you this only as a means to offer you some hope. I wish I had some sound advice for you, though. I have always been a firm believer in therapy, and that the going get's rough before the tough get going. If the ride to recovery is easy, it's probably not gonna last. I think that you do need to talk to your T about your feeling worse, drug craving, emptiness, etc. straight away. She will proably have the best advice for you.