Thanks very much for your encouragement and assurances - I am often hesitant to engage myself in anything new or different preferring to "play it safe". In this instance, which is the worst thing I have ever experienced because for one thing it involves the people and values that are most important to me. When i was younger I valued new clothes or something new for my surroundings (my house or apartment) - but I have moved beyond all that - I think knowing that I am getting older and acceptance that like anyone else, my time is limited - I wanted to reassure myself that at least my children would have some good memories of me and not just the ones where i was depressed or distracted - I hoped to find out that unlike the past I was valued and my opinions and experiences acknowledged and hopefully respected or at least understood. I felt at first confused and gradually betrayed getting the sense that nothing had changed no matter how much I FELT I had done to leave my children with positive memories - coming away with the message that all my heartfelt conversations with my children and being open and honest with them about who i was meant nothing, that I was the least important person in their lives - painful and sadly anger-inducing for someone who is BPD - I wanted to believe it was miscommunication that resulted in our differences and the harder i tried the greater the gulf between us until eventually it became all-consuming. I think its important to have people and places where we can tell the truth and hopefully not be banished for what we shared. I think there is a limit to that - I'm not sure how much I could still be there for someone who had engaged in monstrous acts - but thats just a "what if" right now. Especially being estranged from my children I need someplace like this with the kinds of people I have found here and i appreciate it very much. it hasn't fixed anything - but it has given me a place to find at least temporary solace. Anyway thank you again for taking the time to reassure me - something i very much need at this point in my life especially. I have had experiences in the past in online places - getting into conflicts with people who seem to have as their purpose in getting up everyday the desire to bully and harass - it was overwhelming the first few times but now that i know its not just me it helps. Still I hope to avoid such unpleasantness particularly now when i feel already stressed to the limits of my endurance. So far my experience has been a very positive one. Hopefully someday I will "have my head on straight" again and be able to discuss things that don't feel so life and death important to me. I like "people watching" even if its just online - learning what makes people who they are. Maybe some day I can do that again - for now I am trying to find my way out of the perfect storm I seem to have fallen into.

i hope I have the good sense to recognize when I've lost my way and am going the wrong direction instead of stubbornly insisting on staying the course no "adjustments" allowed. Thanks for taking the time to share and "be" who you are and what you know. I have met one or two other people who stand out in my mind as people in whom it would not be foolhardy to trust. TRUST is a big issue with so much to be gained and/or lost, life is scary isn't it?