Hi.

I'm hoping for some advice as I'm pretty confused. I've just had my second diagnosis of Type 2 Bipolar. So, life's not great at the moment. I'm still not convinced this a correct diagnosis, but my GP says I'm "in denial".

I'd like to tell you about how all of this has happened to me. I'm 44, for what it's worth.

I was sexually abused as a 9/10 year old child. My abuser was allowed to walk away from the situation without any punishment. I carried the shame and anger for 20 years before I decided to contact the Police in 2006. My abuser was subsequently charged and convicted for his crimes against me. I still feel angry and ashamed but at least he had to answer for his actions.

At the beginning of last year, I was contacted by a solicitor who wanted to claim compensation for my abuse. I had to relive the whole ordeal again. It made me very angry and upset. I went and saw my GP and I was immediately diagnosed with depression, something I had never experienced before. I started to take mirtazapine, gradually increasing to 45mg. I didn't feel right on this medication. It made me feel detached and zombie like. My GP wasn't interested. He told me to continue taking the dose. I had been on mirtazapine for around 3 months when my girlfriend announced she was pregnant. I felt nothing. I felt nothing when she lost it 2 months later. We broke up. I decided after 9 months that I should stop taking medication. I didn't consult my GP. I went to America for 2 weeks in September 14 and just stopped taking them. I think I went euphoric. I came back from America and felt like a new man. I got back with my girlfriend and felt great. 2 weeks later, my girlfriend left me but I still felt good. I went out and dated and slept with a lot of women. Over 10 in a six week period. I felt amazing. I wasn't psychotic or delusional, just really happy and confident. This went on for 6 weeks and then I had a huge crash. I became homicidal towards my abuser. I went and saw my GP 3 times because I couldn't sleep. He gave me 3 different types of sleeping tablets over a 3 week period, none of which worked, despite me taking double what he recommended. On my 4th visit, my GP told me he didn't know what to do with me as the sleeping medication hadn't worked, I was refusing anti depressants and the counselling I had been receiving for 9 months was having no effect. He referred me to the mental health team. At my assessment, I was told to "become a good Christian and forgive that man" and that, "he would be judged by God at the gates of heaven". The person assessing me was later dismissed from his position because of these comments and refusing to give me any sleeping medication for 2 weeks as he was "going on holiday". I left that assessment being diagnosed with depression.

About 2 months ago, I was getting quite disturbed and upset by my actions. I went back to my GP and he prescribed me something to stop the sexual urges and he referred me to the crisis team, still no mention of bipolar. At my crisis team assessment, which lasted 5 minutes, I was told I was suffering from an emotional disorder and that I wasn't showing any signs of psychosis. I was prescribed 15mg of mirtazapine as the assessor said there was "a big crash coming". I didn't take any mirtazapine and I didn't take any medication to quell my sexual urges. I didn't want to stop feeling how I did and I was scared if the urges went, I would be really depressed again. I didn't take the mirtazapine because it made me feel dead inside before. I went and saw my GP about 6 weeks ago and we had a long chat. He immediately said bipolar and referred me yet again to the crisis team but I didn't go to the appointment as I'm scared by it.

Last weekend was terrible. It was something I couldn't stop. I've worked out in the last 4 weeks, I've spent over £1000 sleeping with women. Not paying for sex, but taking girls out, booking hotel rooms, travelling etc. I hate myself for this. I sit here now with no urge to be near anyone. I feel disgusted with what's going on but I know I could wake up tomorrow and have to meet and sleep with a stranger.

My behaviour is pretty violent too. I'm like a ticking time bomb. I have no patience and I'm snapping every day. It's only a matter of time before I cause myself or somebody some serious damage. I've shut off from friends and family because I feel so unstable.

I went back to my GP today and saw a different Doctor. We had a chat and she seemed horrified by my behaviour. She diagnosed me with type 2. She wasn't happy that I was refusing treatment for what she called a "very serious mental illness". She referred me to the crisis team, but I won't go.

I've told my parents that if this curse is bipolar, I will kill myself. It is the devils curse of an illness and I will not be a slave to medication. I'm dealing with this totally by myself. I don't share things easily and this is so shameful that I just can't talk to friends or family about it.

I'm pretty confused and scared. Please, some advice and insight would be really good right now.

Thank you.