. You're right I need to be more positive. I didn't give up on myself, but my hopes became outrageously unrealistic. For example: Long story, but after seminary, I applied to Oxford, St. Andrews, York, and Durham. I got into Durham! However I didn't get funding, so it was impossible to go, I even deferred a year in hopes of getting something. This year I majorly compromised by going to vocational school. I did great my first semester, but my back gave out and I had to drop out. I kept thinking that in spite of my challenges I could succeed at my ambitions if I kept trying, but after 10+ years it's not happening. I still have things I want to work on, but my body is a serious limitation. I've pummeled it into the ground more than once. I don't have any choice but to keep trying. I can hope, but just supporting myself would be a major accomplishment.