I too use to look forward to the feeling alcohol would give me. Like you, I would drink and drink and yet it seemed like it did not work—at some point, I lost the positive feeling alcohol use to give me. It stopped working as an escape—it no longer helped me deal with my problems. Then, soon, alcohol became the root of my problems.

I would sit night after night drinking scotch. I was so terribly depressed, about to lose my job. I just did not think I could ever quit drinking. One night, when I was severely depressed, I had a glimpse of hope—a thought that maybe there was more to life. Although I was completely miserable and suicidal, some small piece inside of me had the thought that maybe things could get better if I stopped drinking. At that moment I became willing to do what it took to get and stay sober. It was either quit drinking or die and I did not want to die. I did not know if I really could make it sober, but I became willing to try it.

And, hey, it was tough the first several months. My entire life had to change. It felt like somebody turned my world upside down. For me, when I quit, my depression stayed around and even got a bit worse for a little while. However, it did get better. Matter of fact, it has gotten better than it ever has. I can finally say that today, I am depression free (with the help of meds). It has taken awhile to get here, but the battle has been worth it. I love my sobriety and I love life. Sure, I have everyday struggles, but now I can deal with them.

I hope I stay sober forever because I never want to go back to that he**. I feel for you and I feel for where you are at—it’s a difficult place to be. I hope you can get sober—I hope you see that things can get better. PM me if you ever want to talk—I check my mail several times a day.