Thank you for your kind comments.

I should have mentioned that this type of behaviour has been happening for a long while now. I'm talking over 20 years. I'm pretty self destructive when it comes to careers and relationships. I have a long list of criminal convictions, some for violence. However, I've had no arrests or convictions for over 10 years.

I've never experienced depression before though, or not that I've ever really known. Maybe I have but I've been able to fight it on my own.

This has been non stop for 15 months now and it's exhausting. I've lost over 30 lb in weight and I can't recall the last time I slept for more than 5 hours straight. The current situation is just unbearable. I feel very flat most of the day. I'm being eaten up by anxiety but I try not to fight it, in the hope it will ease off. Then the tears will start and everything will seem totally futile. Suicide and death are constant thoughts. I can then go from being in tears to being positive about things and the future. This doesn't last as long as the down feelings. Then there's the sexual urges. I feel powerless to fight them. They come from nowhere. I don't like being around anybody because I'm so unstable and irritable. When I do go out, my behaviour is unacceptable. I make insensitive comments that are overheard by people. I don't mean to say these things, it just happens. I'm extremely short tempered and I feel as if I'm the most important person in the world.

I'm not sure what is going on with me. I don't feel depressed at the moment, certainly not how I was at the beginning of last year and November of last year. I just feel mostly flat, interspersed with periods of depression, hope and raging sexual urges which are very, very impulsive.

I am not an idiot. I am fully aware that I am being very irresponsible by not seeking treatment, but I am really just trying to ride it out and see what happens. I'm able to function pretty ok at the moment. I can work, although I'm only working 4/5 hours a day, this is still exhausting. Like I said. I rarely socialise with friends or family anymore. I'm pretty much in isolation mode, bar the work and casual sex.

I am sorry for my comments in my first post. I was insensitive. I understand other people here share this illness, and for me to call it the Devils curse was unfair. I hope people can understand the fear that I have about this. I am aware of how life changing it is.

I feel totally embedded in this. I constantly evaluate my thoughts and actions, which I know is far from healthy. I'm at a point now where I'm just sitting, waiting for the next major "episode". I'm pretty sure it will be a bad depression that will destroy me again. I've just got my business back up and running to a point where I'm productive and doing ok financially. I know that will all go again if I become depressed, it happened in January and November. I spend months building it up, only for depression to ruin my work.

I hope you can tolerate my ramblings.

Thank you.