not In response to your question about deciding not to have children.

When I was 14 I wanted children. But when I was 21 my temper was so bad that when I saw the things I would do during my rage, i made the responsible decision not to have children. I am 47 now and I don't regret my decision. Have I wondered what kind of mother I would have been, Yes about 5 times during my life.

Having BPD at least for me is as debilitating you described. But the difference is I don't have children. But I have the same thoughts about being alone when I die. I think I could say exactly the same ones with out children.

I have said to myself that if I would of had children that they wouldn't like me or care about me. Learning more about BPD has shown me that the abandonment issue is very real in my head as my mind can make it.

My biggest lesson about abandonment was when my mother died. She said that she would never leave me. Well she lied, she left me. So now when someone says that they won't leave I know they are lying. Because in the end they all leave.