hi,

i am new to this so let me first give a brief history about myself to better help anyone who's willing to set me free from the hell i relive every-single-day since 15 years now

English isn't my first language so bare with me if my description isn't coherent enough

my depression started when i was around 18 years old, it took the form of an internal self destruct i guess..they reason for it could be a rejection from a girl i liked then and me imagining myself useless /worthless afterwards ever after or is it from an over imposing/successful father that i felt i could never measure up to?..i don't know anymore

in any case

my depression cost me the following so far

- 2 failed marriages (a child living with his mother from the first one)
- every job/academic opportunity since the last 15 years

but i don't want to blame depression only..i can easily add porn addiction as a main reason for my failed marriages even though i am not sure if the depression gave way to it in the first place or not

i can also add me being a pampered child from a wealth family not needing/feeling the need to work hard for anything in his life as a possible cause for my successive failures in life

throughout these 15 years of depression I've seen several psychiatrists, taken/tried different antidepressants, most of which helped alleviate my depressive thoughts, anxiety/panic attacks..but otherwise left me feeling insensitive/indifferent/selfish to those around me

I've also recently come to realized that i suffer from compulsive disorder but i never mentioned it to a psychiatrist yet

to make a long story short..my depression has gotten much worse over these 15 years and the current me feels nothing but profound hate/blame/loathing/anger/regret toward myself, my family, my friends and god, blaming/cursing everything and everyone for the state i am in right now

i've actually gotten to a point where i beg of god to take my life and be done with it..to take me back in time so i can start over, and to make everyone forget that i ever existed in the first place

between my history and the constant, ruthless anxiety/panic attacks in the morning..i am all but ready to take my own life and be done with it..

please help me out because nothing makes sense to me anymore

Regards