I have been interested in this guy for a few months now, some of you may have "heard" me talk about him--the guy who does my hair, the musician, the one who invited me to his CD release party in February. The one I have some key things in common with, namely being raised by a mentally ill, psychotic mother (except mine disappeared while his committed suicide 4 years ago). The one who didn't follow back on Instagram but left a cute little "Looking adorable!" comment on one of my photos. Yeah, him.

Well, I had another appointment a few weeks ago, and I was super wired, which he picked up on, but which I attributed to "having a stressful month," which was not untrue. After I relaxed (hello...head massage? Yes.) it was a good time. What I can say for absolute certainty is that we have good chemistry. We have a lot to talk about, there is flirting, laughing, teasing, silliness, and quite a lot of common ground. He asks a lot of not-superficial questions, seems genuinely interested in knowing about me for whatever reason. Which isn't great for my objectivity, because I'm pretty smitten with this guy. And besides having to touch me because it's his job, I think he's a pretty touchy-feely person anyway, which I just think adds to it. Or maybe he's not, and he is flirting. I have no idea, because I'm just clueless when it comes to people, let alone men. I honestly have no idea when they're interested vs. just being nice.

Some things happened in the following week which are incredibly ambiguous but also sort of not (way too in-depth to post here), which I'm interpreting as interest. My good friend is telling me that I need to just come out and ask him if he's interested which, hahahahaha, is never going to happen, and I know (and I know someone is going to confirm it, here) that if a man wants to be with you, he will. The fact that he's not calling means he's not actually that into me.

Argh. And then there is the other part of me. The part that realizes he and I are pretty much mirror images of each other when it comes to relationship fears: Abandonment issues? Check. Trust issues? Check. Big ole brick walls? Check. OMG, check. And if I'm reading him correctly, everything he's putting out there is saying, "I'm fearful. Be patient with me. I want to let go, but..." The problem is that I am fearful as well. And I think in black and white terms--like, are you wanting to do this or no? Are you interested in me or no? Because my butterflies are turning into this lead ball of anxiety. And I've canceled my next appointment with him because, right now, I'm feeling like maybe I should just cut him out of my life completely.

This guy is (to me) incredibly attractive and successful, and I feel totally intimidated to ask him out. I just don't see it happening. And I know that any advice anyone would give me here would be "Well, either you ask him out or you never know." I know. I know. But if he says no, if I've been reading into things wrong this whole time, I could never go back to that salon again.

Dude... I don't want to marry you tomorrow, I just want to get a cup of coffee with you.