So now I am looking back at my life and examining everything. Kind of a self inventory. I have had intrusive thoughts that come from nowhere for most of my life. I have recurring emotionally charged memories usually of when I embarrassed myself that hit me randomly and they usually turn my mood to self loathing. I then have thoughts of driving off of a mountain/cliff. Other times I think of moments when someone did me wrong or embarrassed me and I have thoughts of harming them. I would never act on these thoughts but they intrude and I can't stop them. Then I have the obsessions. I will become obsessed with something for months on end and learn everything I can about it only to become suddenly bored by it and drop it. I think this is a sort of defense against the negative thoughts because they keep them at bay. I am usually in a mostly up state during these periods and sometimes I get really high. Right now I am so mixed that I am not sure which way is up. I am on amphetamines to keep me awake and antidepressants to help with depression/anxiety, weaning off benzos, and taking a mood stabilizer. The benzos and depakote make me sleepy and the amphetamine keeps me from napping but I am in a kind of mixed fog a lot of days. Sorry for the long posts I am just unloading.