I am 21 years old, and have been self harming on and off for about 4 years now. I have been through a lot in my past that I don't wish to get into, and it is taking it's toll on me now, even though life isn't bad right now. My memories haunt me, I have horrible dreams several times a week, and sometimes I just feel either numb, or overwhelmingly sad. I am medicated right now for depression, and have been for years, but I no longer am seeing a therapist or anything about it. Sometimes I scare myself by how dark I am. I am not suicidal, though. I have some hope for my future, but getting through the here and now feels near impossible, which is why self harm is such a problem. I have drifted from cutting and have started burning. I did it for the first time about 6 months ago, because I had no blades, and it really cleared my head and helped me to feel something other than sad or nothing. I have only cut once since, but have burned at least 1 time a week, usually more. I have some nasty scars on my stomach from it. I don't know how to even begin to stop. I wont go to counseling, because my dad would find out, since I would need his help affording it. He has been so happy about how 'well' I am doing and I can't bear to crush that, especially when I am not on the verge of suicide or anything. Counseling has never helped me anyway. I need tips or something from someone who knows from experience on how to safely clear my head of the horrible memories and sadness, and how to deal when stressful things happen now on top of it all.

Please don't call me crazy, or anything! I know I am mentally unwell, and I am really trying to get better. I am good at faking it throughout the day, even though it wears me out. I know others have it worse, and I at least am able to bring myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm still not okay, though, and don't know if I ever really can be.