I hope just by putting it all down in a post you are feeling some relief from the guilt.

Maybe you can find some counseling or support to get you through the really rough times. I imagine money is a problem (it is for me) but sometimes help is available in unexpected place.

For the most part we aren't mental professionals (some are) but regardless people here are willing to listen. And it's a great place to vent, share your sorrow, play silly games and just chat with others. All things that may make your life a little easier to bear.