Okay, so here are the brass tacks about bipolar:

1. Almost everyone who gets diagnosed gets the depression diagnosis first. Then gets diagnosed with something else. Bipolar has a lot of crossover symptoms with other psychiatric disorders.

That being said, you NEED a psychiatrist. Bipolar is a PHYSICAL problem that you require medication to treat. It is quite literally crossed wires in the brain. There is no riding it out. And without treatment the synaptic connections become more intense so cycles become more frequent and more intense. This is science. Your brain has a physical problem and behavioural therapy will not work to correct it.

2. You likely have mixed episodes. This is important to note. Bipolar people go from high energy to low energy. Bipolar II goes from medium high to very low. That being said high does not mean happy. I get super irritated in manias because the world is too sharp and too intense. So I get angry for no justifiable reason. This happens. It is not uncommon. It is hard to deal with but thins takes us to point 3.

3. This isn't your fault. You have a physical malformation in your brain. You can't have prevented this from happening. There is no shame to be had. But you need a support network. Tell the people you trust (at least, trust on your good days). I have ultra rapid cycling bipolar, so I can have a full blown up-down episode in a week. I am not usually the first to notice. But because I have made my people aware of the symptoms they will tell me when they think I am relapsing and they cut me slack when I start acting all high and mighty. They know it isn't me and they know that once I'm down I will apologize. Tell people. It is scary, but those who can't handle it aren't really good friends anyway.

4. Dead inside is depression. Depression isn't feeling sad. It's apathy. Color is dull. Food has no taste. We are all specks on a rock circling around a ball of fire in a giant void. And it is always harder to deal with after having been manic. And just reading through your posts I can see the progression. You were up, super confident, saying terrible things, having all the sex and spending all the money (I just spent $200 on sex toys using money I don't have, so no judgement, but it is very specifically a bipolar symptom). Then the brain goes "Wait a tick," and shuts that all down, so not only do you feel bad, you feel bad after having felt good. It's the difference between going outside when it is cold and going outside when it is cold when you have been hanging around in a sauna.

5. It is treatable. See a psychiatrist. They do both talk therapy, which is painful but does help, and prescribe medication, which bipolar patients need. Remember-this is a physical problem. And the treatments take time to figure but at the very least they take the edge off while its getting figured.

I suggest researching the crap out of your bipolar. I'm type II as well, have been since I was 17 and was diagnosed 4 years ago. Having all the information really helps because it helps set you up to not trigger your bipolar. Staying up late, drinking, recreational drugs, all cause bipolar cycles to happen faster and be more intense. Vitamin D helps in low sunlight countries because it acts as a mood stabilizer, but it isn't enough.

Go, see a doctor. If you thought you had cancer would you try and just ride it out or would you seek treatment? You'd go and seek treatment. So go and seek treatment. It helps so much. They have drugs that make the downs go away. They have drugs that make the highs go away. You can live a normal life but you NEED medical help to do it. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, but seriously, go see a doctor. Bipolar patients are at a very high risk for suicide because of the downs following ups. Seeing a doctor could save your life and will make it better. It will give you actual control instead of perceived control.