I really do appreciate all of your comments and advice.

I'm awake after 4 hours broken sleep. This really is torture. I feel terribly anxious and pretty sad. The tears have already begun and I've been awake for less than 30 minutes. I've never been one to just cry. I shouldn't feel like this. There is no reason for me to feel like this. I should be looking forward to a nice day. I have money, the sun is shining, I have my health. But no. My own mind will not let me be happy anymore. I have had no real major sexual urges for a couple of days now. im either down like now, or climbing the walls with sexual frustration. This is all so confusing.

I want to work with the Doctors and Physiatrists, but they don't seem to listen to what I'm saying. My first assessment was a total farce and my second lasted 5 minutes. How can you possibly diagnose somebody's mental state after a 5 minute conversation for goodness sake?! I've been told that I "present myself too well" at appointments with my GP and Psycs. Even at my most crippling lows, I've always taken care of my appearance outwardly. I always shave, shower and dress smartly. This seems to go against me. Inwardly, I'm a mess. There seems to be little interest in my huge weight loss. I'm literally wasting away. Last January I weighed 84kg. I'm now at just over 70. I'm 6'0 tall. I look ridiculously thin and I guess I look ill.

I haven't spoken to my brother for over 6 months now. I feel too ashamed to do so. I didn't see him over Xmas or my birthday a couple of months ago. We've always been close. I wouldn't know what to say to him about this. My parents know about the type 2 diagnosis but I don't think they really understand how tortuous my life is. Again, I think that I hide things too well and I'm not as honest as I should be. My counsellor is little to no help. I've been seeing her for 9 months about my sexual abuse as a child, but it has done literally no good. This is what I don't get. If I was depressed last year, like all the experts said, then why didn't 9 months of counselling and mirtazapine do anything to alleviate my symptoms? Depressed people don't behave like me, surely? There's too many mood swings and weirded thoughts for this to be depression. Then there's the waking nightmares I get. The dull buzzing that always precedes the horror. I'm awake during these nightmares but my body is paralysed. They always involve violence. These have been going on for years now. I had a particularly bad one 3 nights ago. I make up silly nursery rhymes about my dog and I'll sing them all day, on and off, on repeat. I do this at home and when I'm out. This is pretty odd behaviour. I sometimes develop a "tick" where I'll keep nodding my head really fast as I snort out of my nose. I have no idea why I do this but again, it's pretty odd. It's as if I want to be normal and happy again, but my brain has a different agenda. I guess my ramblings here may look pretty odd.

I'm sort of hoping for a full blown manic episode. At least people will sit up and take notice. I'm sick of being not listened to. I'm sick of feeling like this. I shouldn't have to live life like this, never being able to escape from this nightmare. It helps to come here and share my thoughts, I'm sorry they are so jumbled.

Thank you again for all of your kind comments.

T