Hi helpless,

I kind of like your attitude. You seem to be quite active and willing to do things, which is absolutely vitally important. I share your mistrust of an AD based solution as well. Here are a few more hints:

1. Some people think that if they have a blood test, then their doctor must have checked for anything that might be wrong. This isn't the way it works, however. Docs have to specify exactly what they want to test for when blood is drawn. You might still have, for example, a vitamin B12 deficiency or hypothyroidism or a vitamin D deficiency any of which might well affect your mental state in a bad way.

2. Your actions about sleep and stopping your addictions are really great! Don't forget to give yourself credit for that and to keep it up.

The fear/contempt/jealousy/envy toward others and hate/loath/anger/sadness towards yourself, is I believe just part of your depression and will disappear as you get better. I would recommend a full assault on the problem doing all of the following items in parallel:

a) See an MD and get checked specifically for the above problems and any others that might contribute to depression.

b) Do "SNAP CLUB" as described in this thread
It's easy to try and works quickly. If it works, it will really help with the rest.

c) Start to do regular exercise every day. For example, walking briskly for one hour a day.

d) Start a meditation or mindfulness practice.

- vital