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To be honest I'm not sure exactly how long I stared at the screen trying to find the words of what I wanted to say. I'm not very good with communication especially when it concerns telling people my true thoughts. So if I ramble or jumble my words a bit ignore me?
I've had a feeling a might be experiencing depression for a while now, probably since high school but I've never actually been diagnosed by a doctor. The most I've done is take random depression tests, some just give me numbers while others tell me I'm severely depressed. Yet suicidal thoughts don't cross my mind and at the same time I have no desire to live. It's more I don't want to make the people important to me sad by taking my own life but I have no will to live because I don't feel alive. I feel dead, completely empty inside and most of things I used to love barely spark life in me anymore.
I know my issue but I don't know to solve it, the main issue is I'm isolated. I'm often told I'm strange, even my family says they don't understand me at all. I'm bad at making friends and simply chatting with people because I don't know what to say. What do you say to the people around you when you share no interests with them? It's not even about strangers I have a best friend someone I've known since 2nd grade but I can't find the words so I rarely pick up the phone and call her. We see each other twice a year and have alot of fun but we don't talk anything before or after.
A part of me is afraid to talk to the people closest to me because I don't want them to leave. I reached out and shared my feelings with a close friend in high school once but because I had been keeping it inside for so long it exploded. She and many others from high school have not spoken to me since. Ever since that incident I'm been too afraid to reach out to anyone else.
I love my father alot and he's the only family member who calls and checks up on me but something he said to me still haunts me. "There's no point in you trying, your just going to fail anyways" We had been arguing so I know he said it out of anger but I just can't forget it, the words just wont leave my head. I think the reason because unlike most I've always wondered why I'm alive. Ever since I was small I've been trying to find the reason why I was born because just being alive wasn't enough. Everyone about me is average, I'm not very smart or athletic and even though I put alot of effort and time into the things I liked, no results showed from it.
I have no dreams, I don't know what I should do with my life because I have no talents and I'm not good at anything. I feel like an alien when I'm with my family or in my work space, it's like I just don't quite fit in.
I've always wanted to find a place where I belonged, somewhere I could breath and not feel so suffocated. Some place where I would be accepted for who I am, liked even. To find at least one person who shared my interests, who enjoys being around me. Someone who believes my existence is important to them, someone who calls me to talk and wants to spend time with me. I suppose that's what I'm truly searching for, but it's an illusion that we all want but most never find.
I don't know what I want by writing all this because it's not pity, half of it's just to get this all out because talking to strangers is easier than talking to friends. I know each day that goes by I sink further down which is why I'm trying to make a step and reach out yet I don't know what to do.
How do you make friends when you have trouble finding words to say? When you have no interests with them? When your so weird compared to them? I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it.
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