I appreciate your concern, but it's a tricky one for me.

I was on mirtazapine for 9 months. It destroyed me inside to the point that I left my gf 2 days after she miscarried our child. I felt nothing for her or the loss. My counsellor doesn't help as I don't feel my issues are related to my childhood abuse and she just tells me that I'm too hard on myself. How is that helpful in any way, shape or form?! I've been to 2 psychiatric assessments. The first was a farce, the second lasted 5 minutes. I found both 'Doctors' to be hostile, rude, unempathetic and eager to just feed me antidepressants and send me on my way. I probably come across as very arrogant.

I want to stop this nightmare of ups and downs and all the behaviour that's coming with it. However, I have a real mistrust of my local Crisis/Mental health team and antidepressants in general. As I said before, I ate their medication and took their counselling for 9 months last year. The end result, I'm in a worse place than I've ever been in my life. Now tell me, how is that possible. I opened myself up to these people and I've ended up in a far worse situation than I was 15 monthss ago.

I think you're correct, I need to start to log things, but I'm not sure there's a notebook big enough! I'm fairly up now. I've eaten twice today and been fairly productive. I had a lapse around 3/4 this afternoon for a few hours but I'm good now. Things would be manageable if it stayed like this.

I was exercising a lot about 6 weeks ago but my GP said I was manic. I gave up smoking, I was walking my dog for miles, I was running and I honed a gym. I started drinking protein shakes too. Basically, I was trying to repair some physical damage, in terms of physical fitness. This is when I got my first diagnosis of Bipolar from my GP. Him saying I was manic pretty much killed that for me. I saw it as my brain playing games so I quit. Does that make sense? I don't walk my dog more than twice a week now. I think I'm going to let my parents take care of him for a bit as this isn't fair on him. I'm still not smoking and I feel great for that. I've never been a big smoker, but the two severe depressions I had last year took thir toll. I was chain smoking for 18-20 hours a day. I still drink my protein shakes to try and put some weight on but my diet and eating habits are appalling. I can easily go 2 days without food. Other days I can eat 2 big meals.

I don't read too much about this illness, it scares me. I know it's life changing, with or without medication, and I honestly don't feel I'm prepared to live either way. I've attempted suicide before, when I was 19. Looking back, that should have been a big red flag. It's just been one thing after another since.......and here I am.

I've rambled again. Goodnight all. Tomorrow is another day.

T