Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
I think that what you said was on topic, as right there you stated some beliefs and feelings that you have. The belief in invincibility. The ambivalence, the diverse desires. The dissatisfaction with your concept of rock bottom. The suggestion that in the past you did need to prove things to people, and now you do not. In the past you needed to be sicker, but now you do not.
I read an article recently, a qualitative study, that might interest you. At a certain French hospital, applicants for admission had to provide letters as to why they wanted in-patient treatment. The article examined these letters for recurring themes. The recurring themes reported were: 1. Loss of control, both of actions and of thoughts. There used to be control, that was a thrill if you will of the ED, but now there is not. 2. Inner distress, from exhaustion and from isolation. 3. Ambivalence: wanting to recover versus wanting to restrict more, and fear of recovery. Recovery would mean giving up the ED and therefore a part of oneself. The ED initially brought comfort and an identity, to give it up would be to enter an unknown and could require mourning, even though giving it up would also mean freedom from the isolation and loss of control that ED brings.
To move forward as a healthy individual: what does that mean for you now, as a next step?
|
That is interesting. I would actually be interested in reading that. I think you kind of hit the nail on the head as to what's holding me back now. What does it mean for me to move forward as a "healthy" individual. Good question. Probably means I'm going to actually have to do something about all this and stop being complicit and take some action. Positive, forward thinking action. Like seeking out further inpatient treatment. I'll likely be discharged from the hospital pretty soon and I need to have a next step ready...
I definitely can relate to all of the recurring themes found in the study. Loss of control. Check. Inner distress. I don't know how to say yes more strongly. And ambivalence, absolutely. You'd think that'd make me ready to get treatment. You'd think that make me change. It should. But for some reason, the ambivalence piece is strongest right now. I just kind of don't care about anything and am fine with leaving things how they are. But I'm not. Not really. I just don't think that I believe I can really change. Things have been this way for so long...
What does is mean for me to move forward as a healthy individual? I guess I need to put some serious thought into what I'm willing to do to move forward into recovery. And conversely, what I'm willing to give up to stay sick. I'll think about it.
Thanks for replying.