Thanks everyone for all the support you gave me the other day. I'm still crying every day, pretty much every second I'm not at work or asleep. It still hurts really badly. Mainly because I don't get how my feelings can matter so little.

Tears during the sermon at church today. Pastor talking about depression, about people you trust hurting you and feeling like you want to give up on trusting ppl at all. Luckily I always sit near the back and I wear glasses, and they were just a few tears so I doubt anyone noticed. Came very close to a panic attack too, had to grab the pew and count the lines in the wood. Now I'm home and I took my emergency Xanax and I'm curled up under a blanket sucking my thumb like a 2 year old.

We put up the new antidepressant Friday. Just praying with all my heart something eases this darkness.