Yep, I'm hyper.

Got some stuff down to show my GP at my appointment later. It makes bad reading but I'm so wired I don't really care.

Here's what I'm going to show him/her:

My life since November of 2013

Folded business due to depression? Wasn't certain at time?

Euphoric in Dec 13/Jan 14

Solicitor contact in Jan 14 Re Abuse

Depression in Jan 14

Euphoric in March/April 14

Depression in April 14 Began taking Mirtazapine and seeking counselling for abuse

Euphoric in September 14. Stopped taking medication without consultation. High sexual urges

Depression in November 14

Euphoric in Dec 14. High sexual urges.

When I am depressed, it is pretty horrific. I become homicidal towards my abuser. I see that as a mechanism to stop me hurting myself. I'm detached. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I shut myself away. I find life very, very difficult. I think about death and suicide a lot. My physical health suffers greatly and I basically give up on everything.

When I am euphoric. I feel very confident. Over confident. I am aggressive. I don't sleep. I eat sporadically. I crave sex very, very strongly. I can't describe the drive. I spend money pursuing and entertaining women. I recently spent over £1000 booking hotels, entertaining, travelling etc. I don't always use protection. I don't feel bad immediately afterwards but when I do, I self loath for my actions which then makes me feel low. I spend money on things I don't need and feel bad afterwards. I take on many projects. I recently gave up smoking. Joined a gym. Started running and took my dog for excessively long walks. My work flourishes when I am up. I'm sociable. Very outgoing. Unusual need to socialise, drink, flirt, be the centre of attention. My thoughts race. People always seem to be moving too slow. I get very agitated. I had the police after me 4 weeks ago because of an incident where I became violent and paranoid for no apparent reason in a supermarket. I snap with people daily. I know this is wrong but I can't help it. I say very nasty, insensitive things to people I know and don't know. My friends have been deeply embarrassed by my behaviour.

For the past 2/3 months, I have been very up and down on a daily basis. One minute I can be really low, tearful, bad thoughts, self loathing, low self esteem. Then within minutes, I will be happy, positive, hopeful and full of energy. Sometimes I feel really hyper but also depressed. This is the worst time. I want to pull my brain out it hurts that bad. Mainly I just feel flat. In limbo. The sexual urges are so powerful I cannot describe it.

I took mirtazapine for 6 months last year but it did nothing to stop my symptoms of depression. I have also been receiving counselling for 9/10 months. This has done nothing for my symptoms either. I have got worse in the past year not better. I want to be helped but I'm scared of medication and I'm scared of the psychiatric assessment. Please can we talk about what happened at both of my assessments? I am exhausted with living like this. My life is torture on a daily basis. I have no stable moods. I don't ever sleep. I have waking nightmares that always involve violence. I don't eat. I have lost 14kg of body weight in just over a year. I am physically and mentally ill and I need help, but I'm scared. Has the medication I took last year damaged me? I woke up this morning after less than 4 hours of broken sleep. I felt very wired. I had a job booked in but I cancelled it. I had the sexual urges very strongly and I wanted to drink alcohol. I know this is wrong. Ive managed to pull myself down long enough to book an appointment with yourself and write down a little bit of what's been happening in my life and head.

I have a history of very self destructive behaviour. I am difficult to manage in professional and personal relationships. I was sexually abused as a child. I have attempted suicide once aged 19.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression and most recently, Bipolar disorder.