My Support Forums - View Single Post - symptoms and isolation getting much worse

pinkflower17 · Apr 13, 2015, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nyancola

so for some background info, i am a 24 year old female. i was diagnosed with major depression at 17, and i was surprised. i felt the same way i always have since i was very young. i assume i just have a low baseline of happiness. but no one would ever guess that i have depression(also some anxiety). this is because i cant help myself but have a big smile when i am with people. i am very talkative, but not overly talkative. this is also something i feel i cannot help. i really do like people very much and i always try to be helpful when i can. i tend to put others above myself.

my attitude towards myself is very different, and it always has been. for as long as i can remember i just cant be motivated to do things for myself. i dont believe i have low self esteem so i dont know why i am like this. i am intelligent but i dont do well in school, many tell me i am pretty and funny and i believe them. so i feel there is nothing wrong with me but i have almost no self worth.

getting down to the real problem i am struggling with is the isolation and absolutely NO motivation. i am always a little messy, my clothes are often dirty because i cant force myself to go to the laundromat even when i have the time, a WHOLE day and all i want myself to do is get my clothes clean but instead i will sit for hours in the same spot. i will say to myself "PLEASE do this, PLEASE do that-" i just lack the will. this is because i feel like i cant leave the house like i dont have energy. when its possible i only leave my house when i have a ride somewhere and i dont have a car so that is sometimes only a few days a week.

what i dont understand is i LOVE being outside when i get there. but once im in side i feel like i have to stay here. i have always had this issue even in highschool. i think about it sometimes, all the things i missed out on the people ive drifted away from because they wanted to hang out too much and it was too demanding for me.. and i have so much regret. but it doesnt motivate me to leave.. and it seems contradicting but i tend to enjoy social interactions a lot less than i anticipate. i feel most fulfilled if im in nature but i also am aware of how incredibly lonely i feel and i wish i could make genuine connections with people, i want to understand and be understood by someone.. but i feel thats never ever happened.

my most successful relationships are always with romantic partners. i have had 3 long term relationships, the first lasted 2 years, the 2nd lasted 3 and the 3rd lasted 4. i am most comfortable with my significant other than anyone else. but i dont have one now. i dont feel the need to get right back in a relationship, i really am not even looking.

**PLEASE if you are prolife at all costs PLEASE dont read the next portion and judge me you could very well push me over the edge as i am struggling**

my last relationship was very mentally abusive and confusing. also i ended up getting pregnant. i was at first determined to keep it. i have ALWAYS wanted to have a baby. my few friends always tell me i am very maternal by nature and i believe its true. while i was pregnant it was the first time i ever felt genuinely happy. i did amazing in school that semester i didnt miss a day of work and i was so tired but i felt so right in what i was doing and for once i felt like i had finally found my purpose, like i was on track.

however i foudn out my partner had been responding to ads on craigslist for sexual encounters. the responses were pretty indiscriminate and including things like meeting women at glory holes and other things of that nature. i am open minded but i know what is right and wrong. and this was so wrong.

i was immediately confused as what to do. i kept thinking about what would happen to the baby if something ever happened to me and i was not here to protect them and i was so thown off by the behavior of my ex that i didnt know what they were ACTUALLY capable of.

Possible trigger:

i had an abortion.

i regretted immediately and every day since then. i felt like i should have been stronger.

its been 8 months since then. at first i was trying very hard to get out of the deep depression, i went out with friends, i joined a gym and exercised consistently, i didnt take any time off from school. i just tried to keep going. i feel like i did the right thing but i cant recapture that feeling i had when i was pregnant, that feeling like everything was right.

lately ive grown so tired of feeling this way and i wonder if i will always feel this way. the past 2 weeks my desire to stay inside has significantly increased and i had 4 panic attacks in 3 days, and it was much more severe and very different from my old panic attacks. i think ive lost hope. so my most last resort was to go back on medication. i had previously been on sertraline(zoloft) in highschool but found i just had the reaction of emotional numbness, and i went off of it. now i am on wellbutrin as of 3 days ago. it was prescribed to help treat my ADD, but i chose it because it can help with depression.

i know i should probably go to therapy, but i worry it will be like before where i wont want to leave my house to go. also i worry that i will get a therapist who is not okay with my choice to end the pregnancy, and i have a lot of shame with that. i dont know if i should tell my psychiatrist about my depression worsening or just hope that in a few weeks the wellbutrin will help.

i know this was a lot, so if youre still reading i appreciate it. i dont know exactly what im asking for, i just genuinely dont have anyone to talk to so any support or advice would really mean so much to me.

thank you

I've been in a similar situation to you. I was in a...not good relationship, not as bad as the one you were in, when I got pregnant a couple years ago. I was a year or two older than you are. I didn't have an abortion, but ended up having a 28 wk stillbirth. I was struggling with an eating disorder pretty significantly at the time and completely blamed myself for losing my baby. I still do. I, like you have always wanted children, have always been very maternal and I think the only time in my life I was almost okay with everything was when I was pregnant. I stuck it out in that relationship and ended up getting pregnant a second time (we were engaged at this point) two years later and had an 8 wk miscarriage. Shortly after I was diagnosed with a clotting disorder that probably caused both pregnancy losses, but I still blame myself. I think seeing a therapist would help. I still have a hard time talking about it. I've brought it up once in therapy in the last 15 mos. I wish I had something great to tell you, but I really don't. I don't think it matters how the loss happens, but I think losing a child is one of the hardest things a woman ever goes through. It does get easier as time goes on. I don't obsess about it as much or cry etc as much. I do have this almost frantic urge to get married and have children. I don't know if that's age (I'm 31) or if it has to do with me wanting to "make up" for the previous situations if that makes sense or what, but I'm almost panicky when I think about it. And my brother's wives are all having children right now which doesn't help. Message me anytime if you want to talk. I definitely understand what you're going through. I'm sorry this happened. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Hang in there, it will get better. Oh, and don't worry about what a therapist does or doesn't think. It's not their job to judge you. It's their job to support you and help you work through your feelings etc. A good therapist should be able to remain objective. That being said, you may have to try out a therapist or two before you find one you feel comfortable with. Take Care.