working out exactly as i original planed?...its not working out at all..

what i am left with after 17 long black years, two failed marriages, and a job that's going nowhere..

whats more..i still have these devastating morning panic attacks that refuse to cease despite my best efforts of "accepting them"..

i am not easily defeated but its excruciatingly painful to give something your all just to see yourself sinking further into the darkness

just now i was yelling at myself out loud demanding to know why my mind is incessantly feeding me depressive thought pattern and endlessly inducing uneasiness that is sure to turn into full blown panic attacks in the morning

i mean..fine..i deserve my misfortune..but i am trying to start over for the past 4 months..why the hell won't you let me