I am in sort of a similar situation @steiner
Depression is genuinely like a virus. It's never completely cured and comes back often. My depression at least. I have fought many battles with it. I have never resisted treatments and therapists. I have been diligent. Why then do i never escape for good.
I find myself having solved all the other issues, doing all I'm supposed to do, taking my meds, seeing shrinks, working out, eating right, sleeping 8 hours and doing this for years on end.....still thinking about suicide with such a desperate need.
I want to die. I'm so tired of all this. I literally have no idea what else I can do.