I'm 74kgs and a woman called me out in the hall that I'm skinny and that I should eat more. But I gained 4kg since I've been here wtf? Then another patient questions me about my eating.

I hate how people call me skinny and that I should eat. because I'm not. I'm healthy. Very healthy. Not binging on my stimulant meds and not eating for 4+ days anymore. If I don't eat, it means I'm not hungry. Simple, means I'll eat later.

I had a six pack since I was a kid and got attention for it that I didn't want. I hated people saying to see it and then congratulate me for doing nothing. Now that I'm gaining weight, my head tells me that I can't be in control of myself as it's a lot easier to say I'm fit than obese to feel safe and not paranoid. It's not in my control. But it's getting hard to be content when people want me to gain weight and I say welp, if I say no then I have an eating disorder so they sure as hell will be all over me then.

Apparently I was 78kg. But now I'm 74kg. 68kg was after I stopped taking the risperidone.

I was content at 70kg. Why can't I be the weight that I prefer instead of downing back hospital food and burn it off by sitting all the time?

It feels irrationally very uncomfortable with "extra fat". Makes me feel like I'm lazy. All my life I was skinny and that's my comfort zone.

The nurses told my doctor that I was drinking ensure calorie shakes as a replacement for food. So what? I wouldn't eat anyways unless I'm actually hungry.

How about I quit smoking cancerous chemicals? Cocaine is safer than that actually a hell of a lot of things are safer. Heroin, maybe meth, you name it. Because I will quit when I'm out of here.

I just wish that OCD wouldn't follow me.