Thankyou to those who have been supportive. Thought I'd update you a bit on whats been going on as I know some worry and like to know how I am.

I had a full on weekend with another two full on weekends to come (intensive course for my future "dream" job).

I was in a good mood yesterday.. I think partially cos I halved my clonazepam dose in the morning so had more energy, I had a good sleep the night before and I was very pleased with how well my bf and I had done at the state horse show on the weekend. I should still be elated about the show, despite my long time off riding we came away with reserve STATE CHAMPION beating out some really lovely younger horses. But all I am today is tired and very stiff and sore. I need to spend some time with the horse, a ride today would be lovely but honestly I dont think my body would cope. (One of the side effects of my meds is weakness of the legs, and when I skipped some doses last week due to being too lazy/unsafe to drive to the chemist, the side effects came back. It'll pass again but until then my legs are pretty useless)

Work has been a pain in the a*se, I dont know what to do about all that... there are horses being neglected and horses underweight and a heap of rule changes about who can do what when it all used to be so simple. I just want to stay out of it but I need to do this course over the next two weekends and then see where I stand.

I think I am safe to keep my home as long as I keep up with the rent payments but I really really need to clean up a bit more incase the landlord turns up cos if they saw the house in the state it is now I would probably be evicted, and that means homelessness for me and my horse. So that is weighing on my mind.

Its morning here and my first day without cigarettes (I can not justify spending the money on them when I am not getting paid for work). I think it is time for a coffee and set up a list of things I could try to do today to get through. I wont see my bf again now for a few days and Im scared to have anyone over to my place incase my landlord gets mad. So I will be turning to online support to get me through.

TL: DR should be happy, but instead drained. Need to clean the house but just coping a minute at a time. Not in the depths of depression I was but still lower than anyone would like to be. More apathy than darkness. Thankyou to all for the support.