My bf and I had a huge fight. It got really ugly really fast. He has some major trust issues and we’ve hit some bumps with me having made those worse. For example when we had trouble before I responded to texts from other guys that I had once been involved with. I know that makes it sound like I did it often and I am not trying to justify anything but it happened twice.

Both times our relationship was imploding and my bf was unwilling to talk through things or go to couples therapy with me. This last time he had spent two months smoking pot and drinking to the point where he was just not present in our relationship at all. He would have moments of sobriety where he would say things like he didn’t think he loved me and that he couldn’t love me the way I wanted him to. I think I felt down in the dumps and having someone else just sort of be kind to me and remind me that I am desirable made me feel just a bit better. I am ashamed to even admit that.

My behavior in these times was cause for concern for him and I totally understand that. I have proposed therapy again and have been going on my own as well. I have been making effort to fix things by bring home literature on how we can regain trust…

Well last night we were cuddling and he started to feel doubt and then rolled away from me. I got up out of bed and went to our guest room and slammed the door. Admittedly this was not the smart thing to do. After trying to figure out why I felt wronged I realized it had a lot to do with the fact that during the morning he basically accused me of infidelity. When I got home form work he did the same…

Last week he saw a stain on my dress from lunch and straight up asked me if it was male fluids. He is constantly doing things like this and often gets so angry about the past that he lashes out at me forgetting that he played a role in this all as well. I am not trying to blame shift but I did reach out and toy with the idea of moving on when he abandoned me for two months and was saying really hurtful and abusive things.

Now that the framework is laid out – what happened last night is I tried to tell him again and again that I was sorry for my past sins and would be willing to do whatever it takes to get us to a healthy, trusting and happy place. He just kept throwing things in my face and I just kept at it trying to bring reason and respect back into the mix.

He got so heated he threw a water bottle from the top of the stairs in my direction. He then got in my face and said that if I wanted to argue he would win at word games and would even destroy me.

I was resigned to tears and we ended the night that way. I was so anxious and hurt that I couldn’t sleep so I sent an email telling him that if he simply cannot forgive me I would understand but that we needed to not tear each other apart. I further stated that I would not ever allow him to do what he had done to me again.

I also reminded him that he has done things in the past that are pretty unforgivable too. I am just hurting and feeling so hopeless at the moment. I don’t know what to do, how I feel or how to try and function at work and in life at the moment.