I am having a hard time convincing my boyfriend that kids need positive feedback, encouragement and praise for things that they do successfully in their lives. I am aware of the phenomenon of overpraise or praise for things that don't really warrant praise (like obeying the laws of gravity). That's not my question. Where the disagreement lies is as follows: he thinks things that are expected, like making one's bed or behaving appropriately in general, aren't worthy of praise. He basically feels that only exceptional or amazing behavior or accomplishments are worthy of encouragement or praise. Like a 5 year old kid that could catch a pass thrown by a pro quarterback--now that is worthy of praise in his mind. But my argument is that when kids are working on mastering new or unfamiliar tasks or even just tasks they have not mastered yet, they need praise and encouragement to keep them motivated and on the right track. Even simple things like using a napkin at the dinner table to wipe your face is new to a little kid and needs to be positively recognized when they get it right. And when they don't get it right good parents are not snarky or shaming or blaming but encouraging on how to do it right, even if it takes a 100 tries. Isn't patience part of good parenting? Being polite or cleaning up a mess or being patient or being helpful to someone else or even using the correct word to describe something--to me these are all things that are worthy of positive acknowledgement in young kids--at least an "atta boy" or "I like how you shared your toy". I don't mean gushing over every little thing. But these are not "amazing" or "extraordinary" achievements in his mind and not really worthy of any kind of praise.

Another area we seem to be at odds are in showing other nurturing behaviors like hugging, giving kisses, snuggling and other affectionate gestures. He really doesn't do these things much with his kids (lets say they are infrequent). I always thought that kids need a decent dose of these things in their lives to develop normally. Given parenting is the most studied area of psychology there must be data on the affects of encouragement and nurturing on the development that come down solidly on one side or the other on these topics. Isn't it better to nurture and encourage? Isn't it detrimental to not? Does anyone have some insight on the prevailing wisdom on all this? Not gut feelings here but hard data that we can read on the topic?