Where do I start?

Many conversations about love, which she SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE ****ING CAREFUL ABOUT! Sorry not shouting at you, but shouting with general exasperation.

Conversations which said she wasn't going anywhere, she would stay by my side, that unless she fell under a bus or became very ill she would be there, until I felt like I'd worked through my stuff. And then that after therapy there were appropriate ways of being in each other's lives, yes forever - that when we were a hundred years old we could still be important to each other and in touch, no matter where in the world we actually lived.

I used to say time and time again, you feel like the sister I never had, is it okay? And she kept saying yes and encouraging it. She sent me this picture -

Whenever I painfully admitted how hurt I was that I could never be one of her nearest and dearest, but that I knew I was being unreasonable - she said, yes you are actually one of my nearest and dearest.

Getting angry and shouting down the phone that she loved me but wouldn't give up a twenty year career for me.

And dozens of other incidents besides. Loads of crazy, confusing stuff where she was insisting that she loved me - believe me, when you have BPD, that is like crack.

Even when we spoke of it, the wanting to be in each other's lives in some way a long time down the road - she said it was important to not let that gag me in therapy. To still be able to let all the messy complicated stuff out with her, so that I could resolve it. Except when I did that she didn't like it, so forever became yesterday.