I'm not doing well at all.

This is what happens when I open myself up to being attracted to someone: 1. They are super attentive to me, because they do like me and find me interesting (as a friend) because we have whatever in common. 2. We bond a bit 3. I let my guard down a bit and let myself finally like someone. 4. My guard is down...now I read into everything. I have no filter. 5. I become an anxious mess. 6. I find out that what I was reading into was intended for someone else.

Never. Fails. I told my friend a month or more ago that I didn't want to hope with this guy because this would probably happen. She was like, "You always have to hope!" And look what happened. (I don't actually know concretely that there is someone else. But I'm about 85% sure.)

This just ripped the scab off of my relationship issues, the scab I've been trying to just turn into a scar, you know? I know I don't connect with people in general. I know I have never, ever connected with men. I know I will never have a normal relationship. But I've been trying to ignore how much it hurts, focus on what I do have. Focus on the superficial. Ignore how much I want to connect with people. Ignore how much I want a real relationship. And it was mainly working.

Now this, and especially after my therapy session this afternoon... I'm in so much pain. I don't want my life to be all about my career and how many degrees I can earn. I can't cuddle next to a master's degree in a frame at night. I don't want to live without connections in my life. I can't live like this anymore.