Don't give in, i have been in the same point as you have before so close to death yet, living. Its life may be cruel, it may be unbearable just don't give up hope don't suppress your emotions, let it all out and get the weight off your shoulders. you may be in a rut now but, things will get better and your pain will lessen, please, dont give up, live on, there is so much of your life unlived, I do wish you the best of luck and if you wish to talk to someone other than just your therapist you can PM me any time and ill try to respond, just don't give in. I wish you luck and may things get easier to deal with for you.