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manicdepressivesun · Apr 16, 2015, 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by deprofundis

Morning, all. My name is Rene. This is the first time I've ever considered talking to other people on a message board about my condition, my problems, my ongoing battle with Bipolar I, dissociation/depersonalization, and OCD tendencies. After 7 years of misdiagnoses (and a 2-year stint of intense treatment for Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I didn't have), I was finally diagnosed properly and put on the right medication. I'm a working professional and reasonably stable but with an everyday baseline of lingering depression. My life is empty. I don't do well with people. I've never had a single romantic relationship before, only brief encounters. I feel highly uncomfortable in crowds and around people I don't know. When I'm at work, that's the only time I can keep it fully together -- I literally split, into a different kind of person, to keep super-stable in my job and be able to handle being around other people and deal with my many responsibilities. The moment I walk out of the doors and get into my car to go home, though, this persona drops and I'm often then overwhelmed by exhaustion, irritability, and simmering depression. I don't know where I'm going in my life. I turned 27 this year and, while some people think that's young, considering what I haven't yet achieved or even gotten close to achieving, I feel like a complete failure. No relationship, no further in my chosen profession, no graduate degree, no financial stability, loads of debt from manic spending sprees, etc. On top of all of this, every day I think about the darkness. The days spent locked in my room, completely overtaken by severe, psychotic mixed episodes, filling whiteboards with what I thought was the secret of life itself... cutting, picking, and being self-destructive. Loss of any and all control. And, now, I constantly feel the need, the urge to get it back. To let go. To give up and let myself fall back into the darkness.

I guess I just didn't know where to turn, and so I turned here.

Hello Rene,
I can understand how you feel, especially with the "split". I am 23, but feel like I haven't accomplished anything besides graduate college, but even that seems silly since I studied Psychology. Go figure. I work in the metal health field but sometimes feel like a hypocrite because I can barely keep it together. Furthermore, I have been very unstable with jobs-- for the past year I've gone through a pattern of obtaining a job, getting bored, doubting it, quitting after a few months and jumping into another. I impulsively moved to Arizona in February after getting out of a hospital stay for depression, but i am staying in a small condo with my mom's friend and it's not the best place. I gave my two weeks notice yesterday and will probably move in with my mom, which may help as she is a happy, positive and supportive person who I love and get along with. I want to start therapy because although I take lithium it isn't always enough. I still feel myself slipping. I hope you find the support you need and I hope I do too. I'm new also.