I read your post and I'm thinking to myself, what can I say to this person. The main reason it is difficult to form a response I'm comfortable with is... I just no longer have faith in psychiatry. And I don't feel much more positive about psychologists and therapists. I don't want to paint them all with the same brush. There are psychiatrists & co that do care about people and went into that line of work out of a true desire to help people. But I feel that when they do have success it has more to do with their compassion and empathy and personal insights than with the so-called science of psychiatry. And I do have some experience. Mine is a view based on personal experience. I haven't known every one in the field so I don't claim to know it all. I... well this could turn into a very long post if I went into detail. Just to touch on some points relevant to your post. My first therapist... I don't know his credentials. His MO was to lounge with clients in his home/office making small talk until your 45 minutes was up using the most banal poppsyche cliches you've ever heard.
That was a very brief relationship
I had therapy with two pdocs who told me after our professional relationship had ended that they had indeed used what seemed like manipulative tactics in their attempts to treat me. They told me that they had deliberately tried to anger me as part of therapy. That may be relevant to you. Pdoc A was a very compassionate and caring person. From what she told me about her personal life and what I observed, I knew she had chosen her field for the right reasons and had gone to great sacrifice and effort to become a psychiatrist. Pdoc B was my "buddy." I was less sure of his motives. I followed his career for a while. He got into serious trouble at least twice later for ethics lapses. I followed A a bit also but she relocated and it was harder to keep up with her. She found her niche and seemed successful. Bottom line was that while these two were interesting to talk to, neither was effective in my case. Immediately after these two came a woman with a Masters in social work. She wasn't devoid of compassion but it was obvious that she had a rigid professional view and if you didn't measure up she would terminate therapy. The distinct impression was that if you disappointed her for any reason you would no longer be her client. One of her exercises was for me to find ten news stories that interested me. I obliged. She told me if I could do that then I wasn't depressed and was wasting her time. Another psychiatrist prescribed a med that almost literally made me psychotic. I've also known a couple of clinical psychologists socially. One was in therapy due to her own serious personal/psychological problems and the other should have been. I realize this small sample of professionals is not statistically enough to make a blanket condemnation. But since I'd only known less than a dozen it's what I had to go on. This may seem disheartening to you. But it's just my experience and sharing our experiences is one thing we do to help each other.
On a side note there are members here who look upon their "T" as an almost holy figure. I find their obsessions with their therapists frightening. I wonder how they will ever get well. Pdocs and T's are people. Their job is to help you gain insights and hopefully use those insights to overcome issues. Nothing more. They are not surrogate lovers or parent figures who will remain with you forever helping you to survive from one session to the next.
In summation I think there is something basic wrong with the entire field.
I hope this isn't too disconcerting and doesn't discourage you from doing whatever it takes to heal and progress.
IMHO meds are more effective that traditional therapy for organic issues and possibly for inorganic issues. A good support system, persistence, and self education is more helpful than the average therapist... again just my opinion.
Lastly, you having no reason to feel ashamed. Whether your doc judges you is not something I'm in a position to know. You are the only one entitled to judge yourself. Depression makes a very effective witness for the prosecution. It is however a false witness. Getting past that is one of the keys to the fight.
I wish I could be more helpful. You are the key player here. You can do this.
I wish you the best.