No, I don't have, nor have had, any addictions. When I am stressed I indulge a bit too much, but otherwise I'm a social drinker and have not had rec drugs in yrs. COuld never afford those habbits..odd that you'd say that. So, no, I'm afraid that has nothing to do with it. I don't want to explain the details b/c it's not safe for me to do so. I'm not mad or anything, but please don't press me for, or try to guess the details.

The session today was ok... but just ok. It sucks to have a therapy high, which is what I had last week. This weeks session was just ok.

I had several major anxiety attacks, break downs.. you name it. Put in a call to pdoc and he suggested i hospitalize myself to get some med issues straightened out. But, no, not happening. It's not like i am in danger, i just need these med issues fixed and I will just do that the slow way.

So today once again was crisis management. We couldn't talk about trust, or work on anything deeper. It was all about the situational circle I am stuck in. around and around and around.

We did get to an interesting point at the end, and of course at the time to go. I had mentioned something about being a freak and someone who is deprived of, and starved for love, and would see it as a positive even in the light of evidence of unhealthy results. He said that it would be beneficial then to look at what love is.

He did say somethings today that were of use... that he feels I don't know what my rights as a person are or why I should validate them and demand to have them. He said I never learned as a child to do that. He said that I learned to protect everyone else's feelings...that theirs are important but that mine aren't.

I am so depressed he couldn't have connected with me in a deep way anyway. But it was a good session I guess.

We haven't begun any actual schema work yet because of the crisis problems. I am actually a little scared of it. I am worried about it being over too fast. I don't want to be in therapy for a couple of decades, but I would like it to be a couple of years. I want to not have a clock ticking.

I have read that about schema... that the relationship is vital.. how does that come about? What does that even mean? What makes it vital? Like what about it is special or different?