I think she's right, and I've thought for awhile now that I really like her as person, but I haven't been getting even a little bit better in over a year of therapy and sometimes I have considered that a more experienced therapist might be better suited to my needs. And most of all, I think a T saying that she doesn't have confidence in her own ability to meet my needs is a deal breaker for me, because how can I have confidence in her if she doesn't have confidence in herself?

But I'm sad. I've lost way too many people lately, and she was the last person in my life I thought I could trust, and starting over just seems so overwhelming. I thought about taking a break from therapy altogether, and I discussed it with T, but she thinks I really need some therapy right now to get myself stabilized, and if it's going to take a long time for them to get to know me enough to help me anyway, it's better to start now rather than later. I know that this is the right thing, and T didn't actually say she was terminating me, but I know we need to anyway...we have a session booked for Monday that will probably be our last session and I will just miss her a lot...

And it also feels sort of like she's telling me my needs are too big. I know it's not that; it's that her skills/experience are too limited, but at the same time, she is the seventh therapist I've seen in twelve years (including a family therapist, a therapist to help me with my ED, and one that I saw when I was eight who I sometimes forget to count). So it feels like my needs ARE too big, because it's been so many years of therapy and I haven't gotten much better; in many ways I've gotten worse. And because T realized she couldn't handle me just because of the situation with taking too many pills...I feel like I failed and I just screwed everything up once again.

It's just like a flashback with my old T telling me she couldn't handle me either, or various mother figures in my life (including my real mother) saying the same thing. I know it's NOT the same thing, because I know for awhile I'd been wondering if the fit was "just right," but just because it's happening right now and because T brought it up herself, it feels like I screwed up so bad...and I feel so alone, because literally T is the last person left in my life who understands me, and now she's gone too.

I've found some Ts with a lot more experience and I'm going to contact them and ask for a consult...I am just so tired and not sure I have the energy to do this all over again...and maybe a new T wouldn't help either...maybe I'm just too messed up. And I will miss current T so much too...

On a practical note, though, does anyone have a list of questions to ask potential new Ts? I have a few already, but more would be helpful. Also, things I should let them know in the first session, other than basically the issues I have? Should I tell them that my past few Ts all decided that my needs were too big for them, or is that like jinxing myself?