A sex therapist is a good start... but is that therapist able to help you with all of the trauma that you've experienced, the feelings of being suicidal?

I'm sorry for all that has happened in your past. It's definitely blending into your present, which is what hopefully therapy could help you with - because you seemed to start the thread with something that happened within the day you posted.... but there was no clear explanation of WHAT happened, and then you went time travelling and are talking about the past.

It's so easy, common, and understandable to get stuck in the past, and to see one tiny thing as a trigger for "OMG IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" response (I do it too... it's hell!) But the thing is.... it isn't always a trigger for the same things happening, and when you hit that trigger you (general you, not YOU) end up making things go downhill, because you'll react as if the past is rehappening.

You need help learning how to separate the past from the present. It is possible. You don't believe that, which is why you need help with it. Not everyone is what you imagine them to be - you've had such horrible experiences that you're unable to see that there are many good people in the world.