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Originally Posted by peaches100
Hi Rainbow,
I know how disappointing it is when you use up your 1 hour of therapy that feels so important, and then you leave feeling like you didn't accomplish what you wanted to. Uggghhh!!!  I'm sorry to hear you had a session like that!
This kind of disconnected session happen more often for me when I've been really involved in other things for awhile and haven't been thinking about therapy. So when I go back, I want to talk about things, but I can't seem to get my thoughts organized, or can't decide which thing I should talk about, etc. Then, before I know it, the hour is over and I feel like I didn't accomplish anything! It's just. . . frustrating!
I think I understand too why it made you feel bad to have your t suggest you hold your h's hand. We both tend to think in black and white, as you say. So when t suggests you hold your h's hand, you probably think she is trying to tell you that she doesn't want you to hold her hand anymore. Is that it? If so, try not to worry! She didn't say that! It's just your fears talking.
I too hate it when I leave the session and something feels unsettled. I agree that it is very hard to "sit with feelings." I think it is a really good thing for both of us to practice, though. Because sometimes in life, things happen that you just can't fix right away. All you can do is wait for the time being. That's hard!! |
Thank you, Peaches. What you wrote about having a disconnected session when you haven't been thinking about T and then not knowing what to talk about is exactly what happened to me!! I was overwhelmed. My T suggesting my H and I do more "homework" didn't make me feel bad. We like the homework! Her telling me we have to grow up the child is what hurt.
I'm a little confused because I sent T 2 emails on Tuesday night, saying I can't sit with my feelings. Then, because I hadn't heard from her yet last night I sent her another, a more calm one, saying it's hard to wait to hear from her but I'm managing. She finally emailed me back early this morning, writing "I'm glad you're working on sitting with your feelings. I know it's hard." What???? I emailed right after my session! Is waiting until today to email again called "sitting with my feelings?" Maybe she never read my first 2 emails, which is unlikely. Idk. In any case, now I feel bad because I am NOT working on sitting with my feelings while T thinks I am!
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Originally Posted by Annaflower
It sounds like a bad session.sometimes we get those. I hope your session next time is better.
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Thank you, Anna. I hope so too!
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Originally Posted by Rive.
I may be off-base but I think you should be gentle with yourself.
Seems you were frustrated with yourself(?) for not being able to open up & maybe at her as well for not reading you properly? If the latter, may I gently suggest that maybe she couldn't 'read' you seeing you weren't saying the words... or maybe she was being dense!
I think you are hard on yourself because you say you emailed her 4 'fat' photos. The wording seems as if... you are/were trying to put yourself down... trying to push her away? or to punish yourself? As in, "see how bad/ugly I am; now do you still love me anyway?" Not sure if there is any validity in it, just my perception from what you wrote. As for the child part. I think (speculating) maybe she saw the pain you were in, you know vulnerability of child part, so she said if this child would grow up they'd be less vulnerable and have an armor or protective shield...
I know it's hard to have to stew in all this for 2 weeks but see it only as a blip on the road.
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Thank you, Rive. Yes, I was frustrated because my T wasn't reading me right and wasn't too helpful. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere and was frustrated because I let the hour go by without focusing on any topic. In her email to me today she wrote that it's impossible to "mess up a session," and that it's all learning. I liked that! Yes, I do want her to say she loves me in spite of how I look. I want her to agree with me about my "fat photos" but I don't think she will. I need her to be honest because I don't have a realistic view of my appearance. I want to discuss that with her but I'm afraid/self conscious, especially because she is thin. I told her during my session that she could eat all the candy in her candy dish and not gain an ounce! She said that's not true. I think I'm angry with her, and at myself!
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Originally Posted by SallyBrown
It does sound like you had a bad session, and maybe that T was off her game a little.
It's a little hard to tell from this post how much you actually said, and how much you thought but didn't say. Did you tell her you had a few issues to talk about and didn't know which one? Does she know it annoys you that she doesn't follow up on e-mails, and seems to expect you to bring them up if you want to talk about them? (I feel like you might have mentioned this before, but I don't remember.) Are you sure she "just" wants to know how you feel now?
I have sessions like this periodically, and it is frustrating. Sometimes it's because T is feeling off, sometimes I'm feeling off. But a lot of times it's because I am thinking a lot of things that I don't say, that I really can't expect him to figure out. I'm wondering how much of that is going on here.
It's certainly happening in this part -- and this is something I am also guilty of:
Gently: if you tell her you don't want to talk about it, you can't always expect her to pick up on the fact that you mean the opposite, and then press you to talk about it. I have done the same thing in the past, and it has given me similarly frustrating results, and I have realized that when I say, "I don't want to talk about it," sometimes I actually mean, "I want to talk about it, but I don't want to deal with the difficulties surrounding talking about it." Which seems to be what you mean. I think it would help if you really worked through the reasons you avoid talking about it -- it will help you both find a good way for you to discuss this issue, which is obviously an important one to you.
I have trouble talking to T about my body, too, but for different reasons. So a lot of times we end up talking about why it's hard for me, before I can get to actually talking about body stuff.
I can't really comment on the "child parts", only because it's something I don't relate to and a concept I'm not sure I totally understand, so I won't muddy those waters by bumbling around. But I wonder, why is it a bad thing for you to hold your husband's hand more? I know this is an ongoing issue for you. Try not to regress back to resenting the fact that your marriage is the most likely source for comfort and good feelings in your "real life".
I'm sorry you're frustrated. Bad sessions are extremely frustrating. And feeling fat is frustrating. I hope that writing to her was helpful -- it stinks that you have to wait a couple weeks before you can talk face-to-face again.
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Thank you, Sally. You hit on some important points. First, it's NOT bad for my H and I to hold hands. It's very good for both of us. I think what's underneath that is having to give up what's always been better with my Ts, all of them. It's growth for me, and I'm fighting it because I don't want to give up that part of me who wants/needs my T to meet my needs. It's ironic that now that my H has a terminal disease, we are connecting better. But I don't want to give up my T. That's black and white thinking. I can have both of them for now.
I knew I shouldn't have said " I don't want to talk about it" when I did. It just came out of my mouth that way! I'm usually totally honest with my T.
My T does mostly want to deal in the NOW. Her attitude is if it's not bothering me now, why bring it up? So lots of stuff from my emails just gets dropped. However, I did mention that in my email to her last night, and she said there's a lot in my emails so I should print them if I want to talk about them. I also do better when I make a list of what I want to talk about instead of letting everything whirl around in my head. But T always wants me to close my eyes, go inside, and see where I want to start. We didn't do that last session because I didn't want to waste time! Maybe I should have done it after all.
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Originally Posted by Yellowbuggy
I used to do this all the time until I realized that I wasn't getting what I wanted because I wasn't asking for it. If you tell her you don't want to talk about something, she's doing the right thing by not talking about it... just in case you were serious.
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Thanks, yellowbuggy. You're right. Totally!
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Originally Posted by Annaflower
(((((rainbow)))))
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Thanks, Anna.
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Originally Posted by _Mouse
Do you think your 'inner child' was triggered by the visit to your children/grandchildren?
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I did well on the visit to my family but something did trigger me there and I DID tell my T in the session. Maybe I wanted more reassurance. What happened was hearing my 2 year old gd screaming "Mommy" and "want Mommy" when left in her crib. They don't let her do this normally because she doesn't stop. She doesn't know how to self soothe and is up til midnight or later when her parents go to sleep. So they tried it again and her cries made me cry. I couldn't stand it! Neither could my d so she took her out again, so she started happily playing after midnight! That's their problem, but I felt like that 2 year old screaming for Mommy!
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Originally Posted by Annaflower
^^^^^ this
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