T, I'm really wanting to text you right now to tell you a few things but I think some of the desire is just wanting some sort of contact with you. I know that I am thinking more clearly because I am not going to text you because often I misinterpret your response negatively which throws me into a downward spiral. I also am not going to text you as a way of thanking you.
Why do I want to thank you? Yesterday I asked you to let me talk about my finances with you without you suggesting that I see you less often. You understood me and respected my wishes. I really needed to talk about it with you and I did. Also, I told you that I had been thinking about
destructive things and I was worried that you would be disappointed that I was in that bad place again... But you weren't. Instead you reminded me, that is just what I know. It is an old coping thought pattern. You told me that just because I have some down days doesn't mean that I am not improving and that made me feel better... More positive.
I like that you agreed with me that increasing my medicine wasn't the best idea right now. You again reminded me that I just have years and years of crap that I have kept at bay using various techniques so it is all coming out. You asked if I had been having nightmares and I was surprised because I have been.
Finally, I wanted to thank you for just being you. For knowing me so well. For sticking with me even when I was going by your work to look at your car. You were honest and told me that it was a pain in the *** when I was doing the really crazy sh** but I had to do it to get here. You told me that I taught you stuff during that time. I thanked you for not leaving me during that time and you said, "You know I wouldn't do that." As I started to say that I didn't know, you said ok and understood that I just needed to verbalize my thank you.
I also have to say that the fact that I feel comfortable enough and safe with you to ask you if you love me is pretty darn cool. Of course you are quick and bright and easily responded with, "I love everyone" while still qualifying that your patients are special to you.
I love you, but you already know that. Now let's hope that I can get you out of my head for most of the next two weeks.
-ata