I'm sorry I'm posting so much.

I keep going between being okay, and then just being down in the pit, you know? I don't think it is all completely on account of this stupid guy situation, I think that was just a trigger.

When I look at myself objectively, I know that I'm worth it to someone out there. Whom, I don't know, because there really hasn't been anyone to ever show me that I'm worth it...but in my rational mind, I know I am. The main positive feedback I get is about my work and academics. I guess if I've got that solidly going for me, I must have other good attributes, right? I don't know. Some people tell me I'm attractive...they're mostly female though. When I (stupidly, stupidly) compare myself to the girl that B started seeing instead of me, I see someone who is a yoga instructor and ballet dancer. She's thin and lithe (and flexible, which I guess men like). I am thick (read: fat), solid and muscular. When I work out, I do things geared toward power more than grace. I take yoga, but I'm not super graceful. She's more successful than I am, owns her own yoga business. I'm 37 and just now finishing my degree. I'm prettier, and probably smarter...and all of this doesn't matter because we're attracted to who we're attracted to; we aren't petty about it, we don't take a tally. I'm just tired of not feeling good enough, so I tally.

It's not just about this. I feel like I'm circling the edge of a major breakdown, been feeling that way for a few months. In a few weeks, I'm heading into what could be my most difficult semester of school, and I'm scared that it's going to break me. Despite what it may sound like, I'm pretty tough, mentally. I can endure a lot of pain and depression before my brain just throws in the towel and I can't function anymore. This isn't optimal, and I don't want to do this. But I don't want to fail at something yet again. I don't want this stupid BPD to rule my life any longer.

I'm just scared. Really, really scared. And I don't really know what to say to people offline or how to ask for help. Or how they'd even help me.

PS...the stupidest thing about all this with the guy is that I emailed him on Tuesday night telling him I wasn't coming back to the salon and why, that I'd crossed some boundaries, shared too much with him (it was a concise, honest email--had a friend proofread it)...and even though there is nothing productive he could say, I have this stupid thing in the back of my mind that wants him to respond even though there is absolutely nothing productive he could say to me and it would absolutely not be a good thing for me if he did. I know, I need to let go of this. You don't have to tell me. I'm trying.