Lately I have been so depressed. I don't care about anything and it takes all the strength I have to just get out of bed. My mom died last month and yesterday was the first time since the funeral that I went to her grave. That was the worst thing I could've done because it just made me worse. I cried all night long. I'm really trying to stay out of the hospital right now. Unfortunately, I probably need it, even though I was just in there two months ago when they diagnosed my mom as having terminal cancer. They gave her 1-2 years a couple months ago...she lived not even 2 months.

I had so much to tell her when she died. I have so many questions...like did I make her happy...did I make her proud...was I good enough for her...and so many more questions.

This is the hardest thing I've had to face...well, maybe not...since I've been sexually abused and tortured in my past, but this feels so much worse.

I loved her so much and I can't stand this pain. Why did this have to happen to her? She was only 48. I'm in a lot of therapy and hope it's helping. As long as I stay on the net I'm not thinking that I'm gonna go crazy. I either have to be on the net or on the phone with someone. Otherwise I panic.

I'm so alone...without my mom is hell.