I hate you. I had been waiting for this ****ing day for a whole week and just 5 minutes before getting out of the office you text me. I know your reasons for canceling are always good and this one makes no exception.
But I felt so abandoned, just when I needed you more than ever. I was longing for my safe place. I pretended I was coming to session and I drove to the tube station, I went downtown and got near your office. Then I walked back home. It took me 2 hours. Like when we started working together and I would only exercise and throw up. Today destroyed me.

T, you have been my first sweet, caring and accepting presence in my tasteless life, teaching me what it means not to hate everyone and accepting from others - and I'm fond of you, but I am not coming next week "at the usual time" unless you say it. It's NOT granted. I feel like I just said goodbye and I'm in pieces. I'm done with asking, T. I don't have the guts for it. I would like to ask for an earlier session and I even contemplated writing we could meet later, but then I realized your text just meant we were gonna skip today and I felt like an idiot.

I hate this day of the week because all strikes are today. I hate this time because you are tired and I'm squeezed between office and your next appt with that man whom I barely can stand when he rings in the middle of the session saying he hopes you don't mind if he's a bit early.
I stopped for an ice-cream at a certain point as I thought I might deserve one. But two guys on the next bench started staring at me and my tears and laughing and I felt teased and really hurt, so I stood up immediately and didn't feel like the ice-cream anymore. I felt so, so, so stupid. I wondered if you secretly laughed about my tears last week too. How many times? How poor is your opinion of me? I feel guilty now. You couldn't come, full stop. You couldn't. You did a lot for me.
I'm suffering and I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and I can't find a point to myself.
I want you to come pull me out of my discomfort again, and I will miss you so much, but on the other hand I don't want to be so dependent on you anymore, I can't take this unbearable state of despair your cancellations throw me in during tough times. I am tired of waiting 7 days and then ending up broken, abandoned, lost, thinking you happily got rid of me at least for this week. I already have a job and a family and an abuser for this. Don't need you to add up.

Oh T. Don't leave me.