Through the grapevine, apparently this other girl has been around for a while--they are quite serious, possibly even engaged.

I feel so freaking stupid. I know it's my fault for reading into (or forcing things, whatever) but how could I possibly have been so completely taken in as to let my guard down after I've not allowed myself to be seriously attracted to someone in nearly 6 years? I don't get it. This is why I don't take risks or hope for things anymore.

Another stupid thing...after I deliberately stopped praying after my last hospitalization (long story why, but I just felt like, with all the pain in my life, God either wasn't listening or didn't care) I started again. I did so because I was afraid of letting my guard down and I hoped that God would at least protect me from getting too incredibly hurt if it turned out this guy wasn't interested. But no. And it couldn't have been just a "No," it had to be something that lured me in so neatly that when the kill shot was fired, it would surely hit me square in the chest. So much for praying.

I'm less grieving the rejection (is it really rejection?) and more angry at myself for hoping, for letting my guard down. And just...really, really sad in general. Really sad. This pain and sadness is always there, just under the surface, but I usually have a wall up to protect me from it. And I took the wall down for this. Never again.