Quote:
Originally Posted by Soccer mom
I've had a realization this week. My T. and I talked about trust and I admitted I have a hard time trusting her. I trust that she'll be at the session and it will be confidential. When she asked me why I don't trust her, I couldn't really give a good reason. I decided to read about trust and read that it can be a decision. You can decide that despite the fear, you will trust someone. You take the leap of faith knowing you may get hurt but that you hope you would work through the hurt if it does occur. It also stated that not trusting someone can be a protective mechanism to avoid getting hurt. I guess this is me. When I think about fully trusting her, it scares me. And, I hate this as she is the one person I really want to trust right now.
This led me to thinking why I can't tell her everything. I wish I could just talk and talk no matter the difficulty of the topic. Someone told me that they have trust and abandonment issues with their T. And, that they are afraid if their T. really gets to know them, they won't like them. I dismissed that last sentence because I'm usually a fairly secure and outgoing person. I thought "no, T. likes me". But, the more I think about it I DO think I'm worried if I tell her EVERYTHING, she won't want the relationship. Or, she won't like me as much, etc. And, I hate that I care if she likes me - this is a theme in all my relationships. I don't want anyone mad at me and it's difficult for me to accept that someone wouldn't like me.
These two thoughts have gotten me down this week. I want to trust her and not care what she thinks. Unfortunately, I'm not sure there's anything she can say to change it. She can't just say "trust me". She has and it's not that easy. She can't say "I won't judge you" or "nothing will change my opinion of you" because is that really true? Ironically, I guess I would have to trust her that she wouldn't let it change her opinion of me.
Ugh, this therapy stuff is hard. I'm in a phase of thinking the stuff that bothers me the most would go away if I just stopped therapy.  |
I know what you mean in the fear that if you tell people everything, they won't accept you. I have this fear with T and MC, with my husband, friends, exes, most everyone. For me, I think it comes from how my mom tended to keep certain things a secret. This is probably a silly example, but my 8th grade boyfriend came over to the house one time, and we were just going to hang out in the basement, but he asked to see my room. It was a total mess, but I showed him anyway (after warning him). My mom later was horrified that I'd done that. She's very secretive about stuff in the family, too, like I only learned a few years ago that my uncle is bipolar (which certainly explained a lot about him!)
Meanwhile, I've learned that I'm more the type that wants to share things and know that people will accept me for them. But I still fear that they won't. It's something I've been working on with my T (who is very accepting!)