I have just been looking at post after post but getting downer and downer by the minute. Already tried Xanax and seroquil(given for sleep and usually knocks me out if I take it so I only do so periodically) but nothing is helping tonight.

My T has a real problem with remembering things and following through with things he says he or we are going to do and I try to tell myself that he is that way with everyone so it isn't personal, but it doesn't change that it really messes with me. He cancels sometimes and when we first began, he would reschedule for the next day or two, but for the last several months he just cancels. He canceled earlier this week (I have 2 a week) so I guess he thinks it I only a few days until the next day, but he used to reschedule anyway.

I know this is all about my head and my issues but I never let myself 'NEED' anyone and this is tearing me up. Today's session wasn't anything big but I am 'watching' for signs that he is annoyed with me or that I just don't matter and he just does his hourly job. I left there and just want to bawl (not going to happen, I stopped crying years ago) but I just want to and the meds aren't taking it away.

He wants to start exposure therapy for child abuse in a few weeks so I know he wants to keep sessions light for a while, but today just felt like he wished I wasn't even wasting his time.

Sorry to unload all this crap but I just needed to do something or I am afraid I wont be able to keep the tears back this time.

I want it to all go away. I wish my T cared, but I don't think he does really. I just don't know. I really like him and he is a very nice man and I know I wont leave or say anything to him about this. I had just let myself hope maybe there was finally someone in my life that would care about me, but I don't think so anymore (I know that was a melodramatic statement.... sorry but I really feel that way).

Thanks for listening, I could NEVER say these words outloud to a person so I appreciate being able to say it here where no one can be hurt and/or knows who I am. I am soooooo out of sorts and depressed right now.