I know these responses are from then and just my 'issues' but he doesn't know the 'emotional' hits that happen. I have had physical panic attacks off and on for years that we have talked about and he HAS seen me have a hard time emotionally when he has given homework that discusses stuff like this and that is why we are going there in a few weeks (I have to complete some work that I have to be 'present' for and can't risk the emotional basket case I might become when we begin). So we have talked about this coming up and have been slowly working that way for a few months, but this is different today. His cancellation Monday has had my mind beginning to realize that I don't think he really does care after all and today I just got that feeling very strongly. I like him, he is a generally nice and caring person. Everything just seemed like something has messed up this week and all is gone.

he has no clue about how things are today and the emotional pain that happens to me because it only really happens with him since I stay away from others, so to talk about it would require talking about him. I can't tell him about how I react inside to the cancellations (not so much the cancellations as the fact that he used to reschedule when he had to cancel and now that has changed and he doesn't want to reschedule me and just sends a text saying he wont be there) and forgetting things he said he was going to do or all the other 'tiny' things that would mean nothing to others but are devastating to me because that could cause him sadness and I can't/won't do that to people. I did mention (kinda) a bigger that happened a few months ago and he wanted me to give him a sign in the future if things happened, but that is still saying it without saying it and I can't. I have always 'NOT' needed anyone so I wouldn't look for them to not care, but I let this one happen almost a year ago now and today it seemed to really hit me. I don't know why and I really don't know why the Xanax and seroquil haven't numbed it or at least put me to sleep.

I HATE emotions and I KNOW it is going to be hell in a few weeks when we head down that road. I just don't understand today and now. Like my eyes were opened and I see he doesn't really care after all and I want to just fall apart.