Quote:
Originally Posted by baseline
Dear Lonesome, Thanks so much for your help! This transference stuff is really hard! I've read about it a lot that is why I am so apprehensive about discoing it with him, but I opened that door yesterday and so we will be talking about it. You are so brave to share your story! I don't see him as a paternal or maternal figure. More like a good friend or the talkative side I wish my husband had. There I said it for the first time. My H has been to a few sessions with me. T suggested a separate marriage counselor, My H said we didn't need it and encourages me to go to T. He wants happy sane wife with him and emotional sad wife with T! Please share how you get over the attachment and fear of loosing the only person that can handle your emotions and pain!  |
OK, I've been thinking about how to respond to this. First, I'm glad my response was helpful! The thing is, I can't really say how I get over attachment and transference because it's still there. The thing is, I think the attachment has shifted from an unhealthy, needy one, to a more healthy version. I think that was a result of MC telling me that his door is always open to me. Like I needed to hear that. That was only like a month ago, though, so it's still pretty new.
Going back, I'd been feeling the transference/attachment to MC for a couple months (it wasn't until like 18 months into seeing him) before I said anything to my T or him about it. Telling my T, who works with him and is friends with him (she referred H and I) was incredibly difficult. Like, all I could get out the first time was that sometimes I wished MC could hold me. And this was while crying. Then like 2 sessions later, I was like, "OK, I need to talk about the stuff with MC more," and she was like, "I kinda figured you would," and I went into it much deeper. Then she was trying to figure out how to handle it, because normally, you'd work through transference with the T, but with him being my MC rather than an individual T, it was complicated. She actually consulted with a couple colleagues to figure out what to do (and she's been in practice like 25 years!) Consensus was to ask for individual session, which is what I ended up doing.
Anyway, it's hard for me, because in a joint session, I can be talking about something upsetting, and MC is so much better at comforting me and making me feel better about myself than H. And having empathy. Like at home (or in session), if I'm crying, it's like H has no idea what to do. So I get what you're saying about wanting happy, sane wife at home and emotional wife with the T! Of course part of it is MC's training, but he also seems to be wired similarly to me, so I think he gets me because his brain works much like mine does. And he's had some issues with anxiety and insecurity (he's talked about them with us), so he gets me on a level that my H does not.
I mean, I know that MC is not that way all the time. He's not this constantly caring, empathic guy to his wife and kids. But I still imagine what it would be like to be married to him instead of my H, and just having someone that really understands me...
So my advice would be to talk to your T about it. It's scary, but I think it really helps. Likely, they've dealt with it before (mine had) and should know how to handle it. Talking about it takes the mystery away and should help you process it. If it is transference, then it could be about stuff you're missing in your current relationships, stuff from childhood, or both (mine falls under "both"). Figuring out where it comes from should help you be able to deal with it.
To be completely honest, I still think about MC all the time (sometimes in inappropriate ways
). But I also realize he's not this perfect person that I initially thought. I used to feel really needy in regards to him. But now that we've talked some about it, I feel less needy. I'm attached, but in an OK way, I think.
Hope this helps some!